


Of Tridents and Sea Shells

by irrelevanttous



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies), Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: 70th Hunger Games, Alternate Universe - Hunger Games Setting, F/M, Inspired by The Hunger Games, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:27:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27545335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irrelevanttous/pseuds/irrelevanttous
Summary: Alice Brandon returns to District 4 after winning the 70th Hunger Games, but quickly discovers that while she may have survived the arena, the Games are far from over. The nightmares just won't stop, she feels more alone than ever and the only people who can understand what she's going through are her mentors - the former victors - Jasper Whitlock and Esme Platt. But somehow, Alice can't shake the feeling that there are some things the two are hiding from her.Hunger Games AU
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale
Comments: 13
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> God, here we go. We discussed the concept of a Jalice Hunger Games AU in our discord server and I loved the idea. I wrote this story last year (with Finnick and Annie as the main characters, though) and have decided to rewrite it for Jalice. Therefore, this is my second major crossover story. I hope you guys like it.
> 
> I blame @tragicallywicked, @beautlilies, @allicekitty13 and @Enimia13 for this. Please ignore the similarities with Finnick and Annie, I left the beginning pretty much as it was and will only start changing things later on.

_"… Alice Brandon.”_

She had heard these two words countless times in her life. And then, one fateful day, they had changed everything. Two words had decided between life and death. Alice had never expected her own name could be the essence of her nightmares.

These two words had wormed their way into her mind, and she would never be able to forget how she'd felt when he spoke them. That moment had been the beginning of the end. Of _her_ end. Or so she'd thought.

She remembered it well. It was only four weeks ago, although it now seemed to be a scene from a different life. In fact, it _had_ been a different life. Her old life. The one she would never get back. Jasper hadn't lied when he'd told her, "The _games change people, Alice. If you survive, you will never be the same again. Winning doesn’t give you back what you’ve lost_."

The white sand under her bare feet felt warm and soft. A gust of cool wind drove through her short dark hair. These days, the sound of the sea was the only thing that could calm her down slightly. It was a gentle noise. So entirely different from the roaring sound of the tidal wave in the arena, which had killed about half of the tributes.

And her.

Or at least part of her. Because physically, she was present. She was still here, on the beach of District 4, barefoot, watching the sunset. But that alone didn’t qualify as being alive, not really. The two words that had changed her life echoed in her head like a mantra. Alice Brandon. Alice Brandon. Alice Brandon.

_"… Alice Brandon.“_

_She can’t believe it. This can’t be true. There is no way he just read her name. Her name is in the glass ball only six times… It's impossible._

_But the fact that suddenly all eyes are on her and someone gives her a little push from behind speaks a different language. He has drawn her name._

_She will go to the Hunger Games and fight for her life against 23 other teenagers._

_She’s going to die._

Because she never doubted that. It was clear that nobody ever considered she could win. Not even Esme or Jasper, though they had made sure to seem very optimistic, outwardly. But Alice had a feeling that they’d had their conversations about it behind her back at night, when she went to bed in her room. She was sure they had picked her male counterpart. They wanted to get him out of the arena alive, not her. She took no offense by the fact.

As mentors, they had to make a decision. Of course, they would have preferred to have saved them both. But the rules forbade it. There was only one winner of the Hunger Games. Only one person was allowed to live on. The Capitol didn't care how devastated and messed up that winner was going to be for the rest of their life. What it meant to win was not told in the TV commercials. Or at least, it wasn't the truth. For there were few brilliant, glorious winners.

The wind that went through her dark hair got noticeably colder and Alice pulled her sleeves down to warm her hands. She was supposed to make her way home, but she couldn't break away from the image of the setting sun. It was a comforting society. Right now, it was the only company that didn't think she was insane.

Another reason for her lingering here at the beach, was that she was terrified to think of the dark, empty house she would return to. It was spacious, so much bigger than the one she grew up in back when everything had still been all right. As a child, she had admired the houses in the Victor’s Village. She’d always wanted to live in such a magnificent home. Now, it meant nothing to her, except that it served as a reminder of how alone she was and what she had lost.

Two boys, a few years younger than Alice, came out of the water at that moment. They were both laughing, their puffy faces completely carefree. One of them splashed water at the other, who dodged it and ran in her direction. His laughter fell silent as soon as he spotted her. His friend followed his gaze and they both stared at her for a moment, the grin disappearing slowly from their faces.

Alice stopped and met their eyes for a brief moment. Then, she couldn't bear it any longer. The mixture of fascination, pity and nervousness with which people looked at her now was dreadful and something she was sure she would never get used to. Fascination, because she had won the Hunger Games, although no one had initially thought she could. Pity, because she had seen many people die and suffered severe psychological damage herself. And nervousness... because she had lost her mind. She was unpredictable. It was even possible that they were afraid of her.

And the worst of all the thoughts she had while looking at them: What if one of them had to go into the arena? What if she, as a mentor, had to watch them die? The thought made her throat tighten and sent a cold shiver through her body.

Alice turned around and ran in the opposite direction. She wondered for the hundredth time why she had survived. Why not… _Edward_? Or the careers from 1 and 2? She couldn't even recall how most of the children in the arena had died. Drowned, she assumed. Like every winner, she had been forced to watch the highlights of the games after her victory, but she couldn’t remember much. She had retreated into her own head and displaced everything else. Alice couldn't go through it again, not even on the TV screen.

Now she was back home, in her district, but she felt strangely out of place here. People treated her differently. More distant. Full of pity for the poor, mentally ill girl who had won the Hunger Games but lost her mind in the process.

The sun had almost set by now and there were not many people out on the streets anymore. The few she met cast her uneasy glances. Because - she had to remind herself of this once more - they believed her to be unpredictable. And unpredictable meant dangerous. Those people seemed to have forgotten she hadn't been able to hurt a fly during the games, not even when it came down to her own life. Unlike Jasper, she hadn't killed anyone. But she knew that one didn't have to do that to feel guilty.

Just watching the games on TV was traumatic enough. She’d had nightmares of the arena long before she was reaped. After all, here in the districts, children grew up with the fear it might be one of them one day. That suddenly their own name was drawn. Most of them never actually had to experience it.

Alice had been less fortunate.

The road she was walking on branched off at that moment, to the Victor’s Village. If her name had never been drawn for the Hunger Games, she would be walking straight on now. To her house. Where her mother would expect her. Her eyes were tearing up at the thought.

 _Don't think about it, Alice_.

Instead, she turned left, walking slowly, not eager to get home. The road became quieter. Not many people lived here. In the seventy years since the Hunger Games had been introduced, eighteen members of District 4 had managed to make it out of the arena alive. Ten of them had already died. The others lived here with their families. At least, if they still _had_ families. Because President Snow was as unpredictable as she was, but much more dangerous.

 _“Alice_!”

She swirled around, suddenly terrified. A single unexpected sound was still enough to speed up her heartbeat and activate her escape instincts. But this time, it was unfounded.

From the direction Alice had come from, she was met by Jasper Whitlock, the winner of the 65th Hunger Games and her mentor. He was jogging toward her, his hand raised to wave at her.

She still perceived the golden-haired boy with mixed feelings. On the one hand, it was largely thanks to him that she was still alive. He had made sure in the arena through the occasional sponsorship gift that she did not die.

On the other hand, given the loneliness and desperation she experienced on a regular basis now, she wasn't sure if he shouldn’t just have let her die instead.

There was also the fact that she struggled to figure him out. Alice still didn't know what kind of person he was. If asked, the people here in the District or even in the Capitol would probably include many largely positive adjectives. Jasper was strong and beautiful, rich and charismatic. Some might also use words such as "arrogant," “cocky," or "vain." But at least she couldn't confirm those. He had never been arrogant towards her.

Just a little over a year older than her, Jasper had won his games at the age of fourteen. That was the year when her name had only been in the glass ball twice. If she imagined her name being pulled at that age... she immediately repressed the thought, because with it came memories of the twelve-year-old girl from District 9, _pierced by a spear_...

Her fingernails dug so tightly into her palm it hurt. The pain distracted her from the memories for a moment, so she could return to the present.

Jasper had almost reached her by now.

"You're back," was all Alice said. He smiled, a strange expression on his face that she couldn't read.

"I'm back," he said simply. "How are you?"

She shrugged. There was no correct answer to his question. At least none she could give him. Jasper would probably be one of the few people who would understand her if she told about him her nightmares, the memories and the breakdowns. But she wasn't sure whether she trusted him enough to talk about it.

Also, there was the fact that she didn't want him to think she was crazy. It was silly, but she cared about the impression she made on him.

"Did you go for a walk?" he asked, knowing she wouldn't give another answer to his previous question.

Smalltalk was pretty much all the conversation they'd had since the games. He always asked her how she was doing, and she was incapable of opening up to him every time. But that didn't seem to bother him. Maybe he just understood that she needed time.

"Yes," she said.

Alice didn't mention the weird looks the residents of the district were throwing at her now. He knew about that, too. Because he had gone through it all himself.

Jasper, unlike her, had killed most of the other tributes himself during his games. He was sent a trident by a sponsor, an unusually expensive gift. And since he had grown up in District 4, he could handle this weapon like no other. It was only a matter of time until he was crowned the youngest winner of the Hunger Games of all time.

No, coming back couldn't have been easy for Jasper. Alice assumed that people had been afraid of him, too, certainly even more than they were of her. If one watched someone catch a thirteen-year-old boy in a fishing net and then put an end to him with a trident, one couldn't forget it so quickly, no matter under what circumstances it had happened. Alice had a hard time forgetting it herself. Even now, she was highly aware that if Jasper Whitlock wanted to kill her at this moment, she wouldn't be alive for another minute.

And in her games, there had been boys like him. Even more cold-blooded, because despite everything, she knew Jasper would never easily murder anyone. He only did what was necessary to survive.

That boy from 1 had enjoyed killing people.

For the hundredth time this week, she wondered why she was still here. How did she manage to survive this boy?

"When did you get back?" she asked, as a means to distract herself from the dark thoughts.

_No one here will try to kill you, Alice. Certainly not Jasper._

After all, he was one of the few people left who actually seemed to like her.

Jasper smiled, probably pleased that she was actively contributing to the conversation. He made a hand gesture that suggested they could keep walking while they were talking. The dark-haired girl thought that was more pleasant anyway. At least, when they walked side by side, she didn't have to look at him. It was hard for her to look people in the eyes. She wondered if he knew that, too.

"Just arrived. It was a short visit... I had a few more things to do."

Alice wondered what exactly he had to do in the Capitol but didn't ask. Deep down, she suspected he had visited one of his mistresses.

That was one of the other reasons why she wasn't sure what to think of him. It was known throughout Panem that Jasper had many mistresses and lovers in the Capitol. He was incredibly handsome (which also unsettled her) and charming, and women were obsessed with him. He didn't stay with anyone for long, though, they were always short-term loves. Or at least that's what people said.

Jasper himself never spoke of it. He probably didn't need to brag about how much women, especially in the Capitol, adored him. But here, in District 4, he had many admirers, too. Most of the girls in her class - back when she was still at school - had been in love with him or at least raving about him. Alice, too, had once been in that position. At that time, she had never expected to actually talk to him one day. He was a celebrity far beyond their district. The fact that he knew her name was still incomprehensible to her on occasion.

But after all, she was famous as well now. In a very different way. She was the girl who had lost her mind, the poor unfortunate one. He was the radiant, beautiful winner of District 4 everyone adored. They couldn't be more different.

They arrived in front of her house. She didn't want to go in, didn't want to be alone, but at the same time, she was afraid of society. After her time in the arena, she couldn’t shake the irrational thought that everyone she talked to might try to kill her.

Maybe she _was_ losing it, after all.

Jasper noticed her nervousness. "It's worst in the dark, isn't it?"

His eyes were full of understanding. That made her even more nervous. Alice knew he was worried about her. He had saved her life and wanted her to be well.

At the same time, she wasn't sure what to think of it. Were they friends? Did she even have any friends left? Why would someone like Jasper want to be friends with her _?_

The dark-haired girl just nodded.

Before she went to the Hunger Games, she’d had no problems talking to boys. Or to people in general. She had been confident and friendly to everyone. Her classmates had liked her, and she’d had many friends at school. None of them had even bothered to visit her when she returned from the Capitol last week. And even if they had, Alice somehow knew they would have treated her differently than before. The games didn't just change the winner.

The games changed _everything._

Jasper nodded, too, signalling that he understood. His games were only five years ago. Of course, he would understand, Alice thought. But he was also stronger than her. While she was mentally unstable, he was always so confident, like nothing could faze him.

"If there's anything I can help you with, Alice _..."_ He stopped at that point. They both knew what he wanted to say. She smiled, for the first time today.

"Thank you."

Their eyes met and this time she didn't immediately feel the need to turn away and pull her head in.

Four weeks ago, when her name had been drawn at the reaping and she had been brought onto the stage, Jasper had really _looked_ at her for the first time. Before that... maybe he'd glanced at her briefly when they both happened to be on the beach at the same time, or back at school when they passed each other in the hallway. But those times didn't count.

Just as she couldn't forget the two fateful words that had started it all, she couldn’t forget Jasper’s look when she was selected for the arena.

 _Disappointed_.

He had been disappointed. Because he was aware she wouldn’t stand a chance. Never could a slender, tiny girl without any special talents win the games. Jasper had likely been _relieved_. Grateful, he didn’t have to mentor a younger girl this year _._ Everyone in the districts had to swallow when twelve-, thirteen-year-old children were selected at the reaping. It was so much worse to watch these innocent children die. Most of the time (at least in their district) there were volunteers taking their place.

Over the next few weeks, the way Jasper looked at her had changed. During the days they’d spent together before the games, he had tried his best not to let her feel that he had no hope for her. And while Alice had appreciated it, she had also known he had given up on her.

When they had taken her out of the arena after her victory and Alice had seen him again for the first time, he’d looked at her differently. She’d known he was happy to see her. She had done the impossible and survived.

There had also been a hint of… appreciation and surprise _._ Had he underestimated her?

This time, it was different. His expression said something else now. _I understand you._ And for Alice, that was worth more than anything else. For there was no one who understood her as he did these days. The way they had won might have been very different, or how they were dealing with it, but he still understood.

Jasper had been with her during these last hours before she had to go into the arena.

He had even held her in his arms as she cried and had comforted her. He’d told her she could win, even though they’d both known it was a lie. 

For some reason, Jasper was the first to interrupt their eye contact.

"When you feel lonely or want to talk to someone, you can call me. Even at night," he said.

For a moment, she didn’t know what he meant with this statement until she realized that one of the things that came with being the winner of the Hunger Games, was that you were given your own phone. District 4 was one of the richer ones, but it was still a privilege. As far as she knew, no one from her old life owned one, so she had never used it before. But Jasper had to have one, of course.

She nodded. "Okay."

They both knew it would most likely never happen. Alice hated to trouble other people with her problems.

“I mean it, Alice.”

She had to smile again at these words. Yes, Jasper understood her. His expression was so genuine that she almost wished she could take him up on his offer. That she could let him into her life, without a doubt, without hesitation.

Because, truthfully, Alice liked him, too. She just wasn't sure what to make of his reputation in the capitol. She used to think all the rumours were true and that Jasper enjoyed it all. Of course, he would. He was handsome like no other boy she had ever seen. He was charming and confident. He knew how to make women fall in love with him in a heartbeat.

Only now that she knew him a little better, Alice thought they didn’t sound like him, all these things being said about him. According to the rumours, Jasper flirted with everyone and wasn’t picky when it came to his lovers. And yet, he had never had a girlfriend or even a lover here in the District, at least not to her knowledge.

Or maybe she just hadn’t noticed. He had never tried to flirt with her, not once. But that meant nothing. Most likely, he just didn't see her that way. For him, Alice was a poor, miserable girl he had to protect during the games and who turned insane from the trauma. That wasn't exactly the kind of woman anyone would like to go out with.

Not that it mattered. Alice was sure she would never go out with anyone ever again.

"I know," she replied. And it was the truth, she knew his offer was genuine. Because he was still looking after her, even though her life was no longer at stake.

For a moment they remained silent, looking at the sunset.

Then Jasper interrupted the moment. "Will you go back to the beach tomorrow?"

She didn't know why he wanted to know, but she still replied, "Most likely, yes. I don’t know when, yet."

For some reason, Alice wished he would offer to come along, but she pushed the thought back.

The truth was, it was exhausting to spend time with Jasper. The main reason for that was that, every time she did, she was busy trying to figure out who he was, during most of the conversation. He had been calm and friendly whenever she’d been alone with him during their time in the Capitol, but in public he’d been an entirely different person, cracking jokes, flirting and was generally busy with being the centre of attention.

"Will you go into the water?" Jasper asked, interrupting her thoughts, and she glanced at him, surprised.

How could he have known she had gone to the beach every day, but never _into_ the sea?

Her fingernails dug into her palms again and it hurt even more than before. Her pulse was accelerating, and in her head, she was already searching for an excuse to send Jasper away so she could flee into her house before the breakdown started.

"Alice?" Jasper noticed her restlessness without delay, and stepped up to her, extending his arm as if trying to touch her. She shivered and backed away. He stopped his movement and moved away, too.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Alice shook her head vehemently. "You didn’t... it's just..." She searched for the right words while trying to contain the rising panic. "... I can't control it," she finally whispered.

His eyes were full of... pity? She couldn't classify it.

"I know," he said. "Should I make you a cup of tea?"

The offer surprised her enough to nod before she had time to think about it. He pointed at the door of her house and she nodded again.

Alice unlocked the front door and showed him the way to the kitchen, although she was sure he was able to find the way on his own. She had never been at Jasper’s house before, but at Esme’s, and her house looked exactly like Alice’s, so she suspected all the houses in the Victor’s Village were similarly structured.

Alice felt strange, seeing Jasper in her house, doing something so ordinary as cooking tea. For her, he had always been so unattainable, even during the week before her games when she had seen him every day.

It had always appeared to her as if they had lived in different worlds: he, the victor who no longer had to worry, who had everything; and she, who was about to lose everything.

Still, her panic attack ebbed away while she was watching him. Perhaps, over the course of the last weeks, they had actually become something like friends. Alice wondered whether he saw her as a one or if he still considered it his obligation as her former mentor to make sure she didn't turn completely mad.

Before she could think about it further, Jasper handed her a steaming mug.

"Thank you," she said, giving him a sincere smile.

His eyes were on her as she sipped the tea. It tasted wonderful.

"I'm very sorry about your mother," Jasper said then and the sense of peace she had felt for the blink of an eye disappeared instantly.

"It may not be smart of me to say that right now..." he added, glancing at the tears in her eyes. “... but I wanted you to know. And that I know how you feel."

Alice raised her head and met his brown eyes.

"My parents died after my games, too."

The way he said it implied that they had not simply died of natural causes, and it was Alice’s turn to look at him with pity in her eyes.

"Ship accident," he explained.

"I'm so sorry."

"The Capitol doesn’t like it when you oppose them," he said mysteriously, and she gaped at him.

What did he mean by that? Had he done something to upset the Capitol? And they had killed his parents because of it? And if his implications were true, why would they have murdered _her_ mother? She hadn't done anything wrong.

"What does that mean?"

The thought that she might somehow be to blame for her mother's death... she just couldn't cope with that right now.

Jasper seemed to remember that he was talking to a mentally unstable person. “Sorry, I didn't mean it that way. Forget what I said. I'm just tired after the journey."

Forget what he had just hinted at? Alice stared at him with a bewildered look. How was she supposed to do that?

 _Not here,_ his eyes said. _Such comments are dangerous._

Inwardly, Alice snorted. Of course, they were dangerous. So why had he started talking about the topic in the first place? And why would he say that to her of all people? She was, after all, _unpredictable._

"If you want, we can go to the beach together tomorrow. I wanted to go tonight, but I think it's getting too late now." Jasper spoke in a chattering tone again, determined to change the course of the conversation.

The offer distracted Alice from his previous words.

He wanted to go to the beach with her?

"With _me?"_

That made him laugh and she blushed.

"Of course, with you. Hence the question."

It seemed to amuse him, which only made her feel more embarrassed. Her next question wasn’t better. "Why?"

"Why?" he repeated, now incredulous himself. His eyes bored into hers, looking for answers, and she blushed even more.

"Is it so unlikely to think that I actually _like_ you, Alice?"

That surprised her. Alice had grown to like him, during the last weeks. At least, after she got over the fact that he had no hope for her to win the games. But somehow it was strange to consider that he might feel the same way. She certainly wouldn't have expected him to want to spend time with her here in District 4, now that the Games – and with them his obligations as a mentor - were over.

"Yes," Alice said, without thinking about it. Jasper raised an eyebrow.

"I mean, nobody wants to spend time with me. I'm crazy."

It was how everyone thought about her now. Alice herself, though, didn't truly believe she was crazy. Traumatized and devastated, broken and mentally unstable, yes. But crazy?

Jasper’s gaze became serious again. For the second time this evening, he took a step towards her, and this time, she didn't back down. He was so much taller than her and she had to raise her head to look at him, but she didn't turn her eyes away.

“Alice, you're not crazy. And even if you were, we all are, in a way. You don't just survive the Hunger Games. You don't, Esme doesn’t, I don't. And the same goes for the other winners, no matter what district they are from, no matter how old or strong they may be. The way we react is just different for everyone.”

Instantly, she wondered how it was for Jasper. Did he have nightmares? Did he cry himself to sleep at night when there was no one who could see him?

Alice longed to ask him, but she pressed her lips together tightly. It wasn’t any of her business and he would probably not appreciate the question.

"But I'm the only one they call crazy," she said instead. “And maybe they're right. I've got breakdowns, Jasper. And panic attacks. I don't trust anyone anymore... Every shadow, every innocent gesture feels like a threat. And sometimes I do things and I don't even know why. People are right, I'm unpredictable.”

Unwillingly, she burst into tears and Jasper looked helpless for the first time since she’d met him. Alice was ashamed to cry in front of him. She should be stronger than that.

Taking her by surprise, Jasper closed the distance separating them and pulled her against his chest.

For a brief moment, her anxiety heightened due to the contact, but then she relaxed in his arms. Normally, she was overwhelmed with other people's touches, but now it felt comforting. Just like then, on the eve of her games.

At the time, Alice had been sobbing, telling him she didn't want to die. Even though she had been certain it was going to happen. Jasper had reassured her, promising he would do anything to support her and that she wasn’t going to die.

He was a good liar, she had to admit that.

Today, the situation was much more complicated, much less straight-forward.

Jasper didn't say anything. What could he possibly have said to make things better? So he just held her and, somehow, it was just enough.

"Do you have nightmares, too?" Alice asked as the tears began to subside a little.

Nevertheless, she did not move away, her cheek still pressed to his chest, her arms wrapped around his hip. Alice was worried that she had ruined his shirt, but still couldn't let him go.

When Jasper heard her question, he stiffened, and she was immediately sorry she had asked. Before she could apologize, however, he had opened his mouth again to reply.

"Yes." His voice was soft, almost inaudible, but so full of pain that it almost broke her heart.

Maybe she really had misjudged him. Perhaps it was indeed just a facade, this self-confident, sometimes even arrogant behaviour of his.

"Will it ever get better?" Alice had to know the answer, and yet, at the same time, she was terrified of it. What if it never got better? 

Jasper’s fingers gently stroked over her hair. "For you? Yes. It will get better for you, Alice. Don't be afraid. You've survived the worst.”

"Just for me? Not for you, Jasper?" She wondered what he meant by that.

He swallowed. "Uh... Of course. For me, too." It didn’t come out overly convincing and another wave of panic threatened to roll over her.

Jasper was lying; it hadn’t got better for him _,_ so why should it be any different for her? A sense of hopelessness overcame her. She wanted nothing more than to run up the stairs to her bedroom and dig herself into the blankets on her bed. And to never come out again.

"Don't be afraid," he whispered repeatedly into her hair, and she began to wonder who he was talking to.

Suddenly, she was shaken by an episode of hysterical laughter. She’d had plenty of those in the last few days, but couldn't explain where they came from. Jasper definitely had to think she was crazy by now. Nonetheless, he didn't release her from his embrace until she calmed down.

"Sorry," she said, her voice quiet. "I don't know why-"

“You don't have to apologize,” he cut in. “Not to me, not to anyone. Understood?"

She nodded and broke away from him. A glance at his shirt, which was soaked in tears, and she was ready to apologize again.

At the last moment, she pulled herself together and said, "I can wash this if you want," pointing at his shirt.

Jasper waved it off. "Don't worry about it." Then, he started smiling once more. "By the way, you didn't answer my question."

Confused, she looked at him. What question? Alice couldn't remember what they had been talking about.

"Whether we’ll go to the beach together, tomorrow?"

For a moment, this unsettled her. It wasn’t so much that she didn’t want to go with him, but he certainly would want to swim... and she wasn't sure if she could.

"You don't have to go into the sea," Jasper added.

Once more, she was surprised that he seemed to know exactly what she was thinking.

Had it been difficult for him to go swimming again after his games, too? Was he thinking of all the people he had killed every time he saw a trident here in District 4? The dark-haired girl dismissed the thought before she could accidentally utter it out loud.

"Okay," she said.

Again, Jasper smiled.

 _God,_ she thought _, he is so beautiful_.

Since she couldn't trust her brain and mouth, she dismissed _that_ thought, too.

"Good. Then I'll pick you up at nine tomorrow?" His look was questioning, and she nodded again. He didn't seem to mind that she spoke so little.

Alice accompanied him to the door. He took his thin, grey jacket, which she hadn't even noticed he had taken off, from her hallstand and threw it over his arm. She opened the front door for him, and he stepped out into the now total darkness. When he had only taken three steps, something else came to her mind.

“Jasper?”

He turned around, mildly surprised. "Yes?”

Alice bit her lip. Again, she felt nervous but in a different way than before. "Good night."

This conjured up a sincere smile on Jasper’s lips, which automatically infected her.

"Good night, Alice _."_

Then he turned around and made his way to his house at the end of the road. She followed him with her eyes, but the darkness and the fog - not uncommon here in District 4 - swallowed him after a few steps.

Alice felt more confused than ever.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I hate this chapter, but @tragicallywicked and @beautlilies requested this, so there you go, ladies. We find out what Jasper did to save Alice's life in the arena.

_~˙~_

The next morning, Alice paced up and down her living room, glancing at the clock.

Since the reaping, she hadn’t cared what she looked like. In the Capitol, her stylist, Aponius, made her look good for "Capitol requirements." Personally, she didn't like how she had been styled, because it was just... _too much_. But the people in the Capitol seemed to like it and that had been the priority at the time. It hadn’t been about her.

Before her name had been drawn from the glass ball, she’d preferred a simple look. Back then, Alice had usually worn her hair open or in a ponytail. It had been long enough at the time. On the day of the reaping, her mother had put her hair up, but Alice didn't bother that much on most days. In the Capitol they had cut her hair short, her stylist telling her it would give her an elfish, edgy look.

And then, in the arena, she hadn’t given a damn about how she looked. It was one of the side effects of trying desperately not to get killed.

Nevertheless _,_ some part of her was reluctant to face Jasper - who always seemed to look perfect - with uncombed hair and deep, black rings under her eyes. So today, she had invested half an hour in her appearance.

Alice had barely slept last night since another nightmare had ripped her from her sleep. The sentiment had surprised her, but for a moment, she had actually been tempted to call Jasper and tell him about the dream. In the end, she’d discarded the idea. He was most likely still asleep and she didn’t want to disturb him.

While she was thinking about last night’s nightmares, her phone rang, making her jump so violently that she dropped the coffee she had just brewed. The mug splintered into a thousand small pieces; one of which painfully bored into her lower leg.

Alice cursed and grabbed a hand towel while she was running to the phone. It could only be Jasper. Surely, he would cancel now. Alice still couldn't believe he had offered to accompany her in the first place.

Arriving in the hallway, she had to press three different buttons on the phone before she found the right one. She had never used the thing before.

"Hello?" she asked into the receiver as she pressed the hand towel on her bleeding wound.

"Hi, Alice," said a girl's voice she couldn't place at first.

With surprise, she nearly dropped the phone. She had been so sure it was Jasper.

"It’s Jessica."

Jessica was one of her best friends from school. She had also been one of the few people who came to say goodbye to Alice after the reaping. Her parents were two of the richest residents of District 4, so she should have known that they, too, had a phone. However, Jessica hadn't visited her since she was back, and Alice had assumed the other girl didn't want to see her. Like most of her former friends who didn't know what to think of her now.

"Jessica... Hi. Nice to hear your voice," Alice said, looking at the clock again. Since he hadn’t cancelled, Jasper was going to be here any minute.

"So. I wanted to ask if you would like to meet up. We could... talk." Jessica began, with some nervousness in her tone.

It became clear to Alice that the other girl didn't know what to say to her, how to deal with her. She felt a slight stab in the pit of her stomach. That would always be the case from now on. Alice would always remain the crazy girl from 4. The one, who went insane during the games.

"... or not," Jessica said. "Whatever you want. I missed you, Ali."

Alice felt a sense of affection for her friend. They’d always had so much fun together, talked about guys and other girls from their class, went swimming and had picnics on the beach. They had enjoyed themselves.

It seemed like a different life to her now, though, in reality, it had been a little over a month.

"I’ve missed you too, Jess. We have to do that." Alice could virtually _hear_ Jessica’s beaming smile through the phone.

"Great. I’ll pick you up in half an hour? Maybe we could go to the beach?"

Alice winced.

Jessica’s voice reminded her of the voice of the girl from District 7. Alice tried to fight the memory of the other girl’s screams, but couldn't.

Her knees gave way and she leaned against the stairs behind her.

Up to this day, Alice still didn’t know who had murdered the girl. It must have been one of the career tributes, in the bloodbath at the cornucopia. She hadn’t really known her, had only talked to her once in training, but even then had she noticed the resemblance to Jessica.

Alice’s field of vision blurred and her hands began to tremble.

Only Jessica’s voice brought her back to the here and now. "Alice?"

Again, Alice flinched and almost dropped the phone _. Pull yourself together, Brandon_.

"Uh... Unfortunately, that’s not possible. I'm going to the beach.”

The confusion in Jessica’s voice was abundantly clear. "We can go together! Or would you prefer to be alone?"

Alice felt as if she had upset her friend and hurried to say, "No, sorry, I only meant that... I already promised someone… uh… I'm going to the beach with someone else.'

Now, Alice had Jessica’s full attention. "Really?"

Jessica clearly saw this as one of her opportunities to learn something she could then gossip about. This habit hadn't bothered Alice in the past, they had always told each other everything. But now, she discovered she no longer had the desire to talk to Jessica. About anything.

"With whom?" her friend asked.

"Jasper Whitlock."

Her friend gasped for air.

Ah, yes. Alice had forgotten about that. Jessica had had a thing for Jasper when they were younger. The dark-haired girl always had the presumption that her friend only started to like him after his name was pulled at the reaping of the 65th Hunger Games, but Jessica firmly claimed she had admired him long before that. In any case, she was one of those girls who were always pining after him from afar.

For some reason, Alice thought it was pathetic now, although it had never bothered her before. It was clear that Jessica would never have a chance with Jasper, that he would never even know her name. Just as he wouldn’t have known Alice’s before she was selected for the 70th Hunger Games.

 _“Jasper Whitlock_? You're joking!" was Jessica’s stunned response.

The thought that Jessica didn't seem to think Jasper wanted to spend time with her was hurtful in a way Alice had not expected. But on the other hand, she could hardly blame her friend for the assumption. After all, she couldn't believe it herself.

She shook her head, before realizing her friend couldn't see her. "No, I don't make jokes." She hadn't made jokes in over a month. And she didn't feel like she'd ever be able to do it again.

"Wow... Looks like a lot has changed for you in the last four weeks," Jessica said.

Those words triggered another one of Alice’s episodes of hysterical laughter. The other girl had no idea _._

It took her a while to calm down and Jessica was silent, likely disturbed by her outburst. Alice contemplated apologizing when Jasper’s words from last night came back to her mind: _You don't have to apologize. Not to me, not to anyone._

So she didn't, but said instead, "Yes, a lot has happened during the last month."

Her voice was full of bitterness.

Jessica was still silent. Probably trying to find out what to make of this. When she spoke again, her voice was nearly inaudible. "I'm sorry, Alice."

Alice sighed. She didn't want her friend to feel bad. “It's okay, Jessica. I'm just trying to get on with my life somehow, you know?"

"Of course," Jessica said, now more cheerful. "So, you and Jasper Whitlock-"

"There is no _me and Jasper Whitlock_. He was my mentor and saved my life in the arena. I am grateful to him for that. And we're... something like friends, I think. But that's it."

Jessica sounded almost relieved when she said, "Okay. I hope you have a good time, then."

As if on command, the bell at Alice’s front door rang. "I have to go."

They said goodbye and she hung up the phone. On the way to the door, she looked at the clock again. Jasper was ten minutes late.

Maybe it wasn’t him? Maybe he had changed his mind _?_

It was a newfound habit of hers to be quick to imagine the worst, but when she opened the door, she saw that her doubts were baseless. There stood Jasper, in all his beauty, wearing a thin sea blue sweater and grey trousers, his golden hair tousled as if he had walked here through a storm. He was smiling brightly at her.

"Hi." His eyes scanned her from top to bottom and, suddenly, he became pale. "God, Alice, are you hurt?" With a horrified expression, he stared at her leg.

Alice had already forgotten about her wound. She remembered it now, as well as that her broken coffee mug was still lying on the kitchen floor.

The hand towel she’d wrapped around her leg was soaked in blood. It had to look a lot worse than it actually was. Especially for someone who had seen as much blood as the two of them.

"Oh no, don't worry, it’s just a small scratch. I dropped my coffee mug and it splintered!"

Jasper exhaled deeply, bringing his facial features under control again.

His reaction confused her. Was he really that worried about her being hurt? Or was it just the blood in general that reawakened old memories? Probably the latter.

"Did you remove the splinter?" he asked.

Alice hadn't thought about that at all. She shook her head.

He sighed. "Okay. Sit down."

He pointed at the chair next to her wardrobe and she did what he said.

When he walked past her, crossed her hallway and opened one of her cupboards, she felt confusion rising up in her chest. 

"What are you doing?"

He didn't answer, busy looking through the shelves.

After a while, Jasper found what he was looking for. "Ah."

He turned to her again and held up a small box with a printed red cross on the cover.

"Oh," she said, making him laugh.

He walked toward her again, the box in his hand, and knelt on the floor next to her injured leg.

"You don’t seriously think I'd pull a splinter out of your leg with my bare hands, do you?" His tone was playful, and Alice’s cheeks turned red once again.

Jasper opened the box and pulled out a small, neatly packed tweezer.

"Are you ready?" he asked with a grin.

Alice rolled her eyes; a trace of her old sarcasm was back. "I survived worse."

"Yes, you have." His expression was serious again, a deep frown on his forehead.

He unknotted the hand towel and discarded it on the floor. The bleeding had stopped, but it would likely start again once he had removed the splinter. Now it was Alice who turned pale; she had to look away. It was just a small wound and it didn't hurt, but the sight of blood was nothing she could take lightly.

Too many memories.

"You all right?" Jasper asked.

She glanced back at him and could make out the concern in his eyes. Alice nodded, her teeth pressed together. Without hesitation, he took her hand with his right one which wasn’t holding the tweezer. That did a good job of distracting her from the anxiety.

"Tell me if it hurts, okay?"

Again, she nodded, and Jasper gave her a reassuring smile, before pulling the roughly one-centimetre-long splinter out of her leg as if he had been a surgeon for all his life. Alice wondered if he’d learned how to do that in the training academy for the careers. After all, it was useful – vital even - knowing how to treat your own injuries in the arena.

Her leg didn’t hurt, but she could feel that the wound had started to bleed again although she wasn’t looking at it. She wondered how he managed to stay so calm. His hand wasn't shaking in the slightest.

On the other hand, he had _killed_ people without a moment of hesitation, so why would such a tiny splinter make him lose his composure?

It wasn't a nice thought and she knew it was unfair, so Alice tried to think of something else.

Jasper threw the splinter into the trash can beside her and returned to his kneeling position next to her chair. Alice wanted to thank him and get up, but he gently pushed her back into a sitting position.

"First, I have to disinfect it," he said, almost strictly.

She stared at him blankly, not knowing why he made such a fuss about it. Jasper either didn’t notice or at least didn’t show it. He pulled a small vial out of the first aid kit and sprayed some of it on a piece of white fabric. Then, he wiped the blood off the wound and Alice winced. The burn of the disinfectant was unpleasant and more painful than the actual wound had been.

In the end, Jasper applied a white patch to her leg and smiled at her, pleased with himself.

"Done. The patch is even waterproof, just in case."

At those words, Alice stiffened again, though he didn't notice it this time. He was busy storing the first aid kit in her closet again.

By the time he came back, Alice had already gotten up and put on her shoes.

"Okay, let's go," she said, acting all confident to try to cover up her nervousness.

She wondered what people would think when they saw them on the beach together. Would they believe they were friends? Or something else? After all, he _did_ have a reputation.

She couldn’t stifle her laughter at the thought. Jasper glanced at her from the side but didn’t say anything about the fact that she seemed to be laughing for no reason.

 _You're not crazy,_ he had said, and he had meant it.

They made their way to the beach. There weren't many people out on the streets this morning, but Alice wasn't surprised by that. Most of the residents of District 4 were out at sea or at work in the shipyards at this time of day.

Her mother had worked there, holding a position in the administration of the shipyard. Alice was convinced that the same would have been planned for her if her name hadn't been drawn for the games. Her father had abandoned the family when she was little, leaving her mother for another woman. A few years later, he had died, around the same time when Alice had started school. She believed he had also worked in the shipyards and that his death had been due to an accident there, but she wasn’t sure if that was the truth. Her mother hadn’t spoken of him often.

It was a short walk and not a particularly exhausting one, but the sun burned down on them mercilessly. Alice could feel the thin layer of sweat appear on her skin after only a few minutes. Jasper was no different.

They talked about Esme for a while – their mutual mentor in their respective games. Naturally, Jasper knew the older woman better, having lived as her neighbour and having trained the tributes with her since his games.

But Esme had also been there for Alice, during the week before her games and the week after. She had been feeling ill for the last few days, so Alice hadn't seen her in a while. Before that, she had been at Esme’s house for tea.

Jasper told her that he had called the elderly woman every day while he’d been in the Capitol. Early this morning, he had also visited her.

His words caused Alice to feel guilty. She should have taken better care of Esme while he was away. Just as Esme had taken care of her.

He glanced at her side-ways and immediately seemed to know what she was thinking.

"You don't have to feel bad. Esme is like a mother to me; she practically belongs to my family. And she knows you have to settle in again. Believe me, she’s well aware of how you’re feeling right now."

Alice gave him a little smile. Somehow, Jasper always knew what to say to make her feel better.

The beach was deserted when they got there. The sound of the sea – the shrieking of the seagulls, the rushing of the water against the shore, the nearly inaudible scrunching of the sand underneath their feet - was music to Alice’s ears. Suddenly, and for the first time since she returned from the Capitol, she felt hope that things _might_ actually get better. Perhaps, someday, she could be happy again.

For a while, the two victors were just walking through the sand; they had taken off their shoes and enjoyed the silence. She'd come here every day since she returned to District 4 last week, and yet it was a different feeling to be here with Jasper.

After a while, Alice began to watch him from the corner of her eye. He took a deep breath of sea air, his chest rising when it reached his lungs. Like her, he seemed to allow himself to relax for the first time in a while.

"God, I missed the sea. And the air here," he said before meeting her eyes again.

She wanted to turn her face away - she didn't want to be caught staring at him - but it was too late. He had already noticed it. The corners of his mouth twisted into a wry smile. It made her cheeks flush again.

Alice wondered if the women in the Capitol got nervous this quickly when Jasper flirted with them.

And he _wasn’t_ even flirting with her.

"The air in the Capitol is... different," she agreed, trying to hide her nervousness. "Somehow... dirtier."

Jasper’s smile faded and he looked away again, staring out at the sea instead.

"That's true." Again, his voice was so quiet that Alice wondered if those words were meant for her at all.

They continued to walk silently next to each other, closely, but also not close enough to touch. What would his reaction be if she took his hand? Attempting to shake the thought from her mind, she wondered why she would even think something like that. Why would she _want_ to take his hand?

Because, essentially, she still wasn't sure what to think of him. Given what had happened during the last few hours, it seemed obvious that Jasper was willing to be friends with her. And she would be lying if she pretended that she didn’t want that, too.

So why was she thinking about taking his hand?

"Do you want to sit down?" Jasper asked then, once more breaking the silence. She nodded.

They sat down in the sand side by side, none of them feeling like speaking for quite a while. Before Alice got reaped, this type of silence had always felt uncomfortable for her. With the two boys she had dated so far, she hadn’t had such quiet moments.

But then again, Alice had not been in love with either of them. The only reason she’d been with her first boyfriend was that nearly all the girls in her class were in a relationship at the time and she had been one of the only ones who had never kissed a boy. The relationship had only lasted about two weeks.

She’d started dating her second boyfriend Mike when they were sixteen. She was with him for about a year. He had been in the same class at school. They had ended the relationship a few months before Alice was reaped. It hadn’t felt right and they had both known it.

Alice remembered the look on his face when her name was pulled. Full of shock. For the fraction of a second, she had genuinely worried that Mike would volunteer as the male tribute, to protect her in the games. But he hadn't and Alice knew why. Mike’s older brother had volunteered eight years ago when Mike was ten. She had erased the memories of how exactly his brother had died; the only thing she could recall was that it had been a horrifying and painful death.

Instead, Edward’s' name was called out. Whenever Alice thought about the seventeen-year-old bronze-haired boy, she felt sick in her stomach. He hadn’t deserved any of it. Edward had been a good person _._

"That he was," Jasper said quietly, and just when Alice thought he could read her thoughts now, she realized she had said it out loud.

She didn't want to talk about Edward, didn’t even want to think of him, because his name would forever be associated with the _squirting blood, the dull sound when his body hit the ground_... _and blood... blood everywhere. In her eyes, on her face, her arms, the ground_...

For a moment, Alice could think of nothing else; nothing else but this one scene that repeated itself over and over again in her nightmares. _She should have saved him._

The pain in her palms brought her back to reality. The beach was back and the sound of the sea and the heat of the sun and...

Jasper’s voice.

„Alice?“

She forced herself to look at him.

He looked worried and she was sure he’d said her name more than once.

Jasper carefully extended his hand toward her and took her hands. It wasn't until he loosened her grip, Alice realized that she had dug her fingernails deep into her palms again. Somehow, she had developed the habit of doing that since she had realized during the interview with Caesar Flickerman that the pain distracted her from the memories.

Jasper said nothing and didn't let go of her hands.

Alice wondered how long it would take for him to realize that she was too mad, too traumatized for him to save. At some point, Jasper would have to admit to himself that she was a lost cause.

She avoided his eyes and stared at the sand in front of her, because the proximity to his face made her nervous.

But there was this one thing she desperately wanted to know. This one thought had been on her mind since she was taken out of the arena.

„Jasper?“

He looked at her, she could feel his eyes on her face. "Yes?"

Alice swallowed because she wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answer to her question.

"In the days before I had to go to the arena..." she stopped and saw from the corners of her eyes that his body stiffened, but there was no going back now." ... you and Esme. You chose him, didn't you? You thought he had the better chances to win."

For a moment, Jasper didn't answer. She wanted to know what he was thinking but had to see his face for that. Alice raised her head. Their eyes met. He looked rueful.

"Yes," he said quietly. It was obviously not easy for him to admit that.

Alice nodded matter-of-factly. That didn't surprise her. She had suspected this from the beginning. But that wasn't what she wanted to know.

"But then... why did you send me this parachute before...", here she had to swallow "... _before_ I was your only hope for victory?"

 _Before Edward was killed_ , Alice had wanted to say, but it was too painful.

It was obvious that Jasper had not expected that question. For the first time since Alice had met him, he looked almost shy.

After escaping the bloodbath at the cornucopia and meeting up with Edward and Tanya - the female tribute from District 3 - Alice and the others had been attacked by these terrible snakes; no doubt some kind of mutation. Edward and Alice had managed to make their way to a nearby creek in great distress. For whatever reason, the snakes had been extremely water-shy and hadn’t followed them into the water. They had lost Tanya on the way there and Alice hadn’t known what had happened to the other girl at the time, whether she had been bitten.

Alice had got bitten twice. Edward had been luckier, the snakes didn’t get him. In the beginning, she had been fine - she had already begun to think she was lucky and the bites weren’t poisonous - but after a few hours the bites had started to itch terribly and as she’d rolled up her trousers to assess the situation, she’d discovered to her horror that her veins had turned black under the skin.

Undoubtedly, the bloody things had been poisonous. After a few minutes, the pain had started. She’d never felt anything like that before, it had felt as if her veins were on fire. Alice had already come to terms with her impending death but had still decided to be quiet as to not wake Edward - because what could he do - when a parachute had landed a few meters away from her.

 _Drink that. The whole vial. J._ , the message had said. It had come with a vial filled with a grisly-tasting liquid, which had quickly turned out to be the antidote. There was no doubt in her mind that Jasper had saved her life that day. And Alice had been wondering one thing ever since... why?

He usually had no qualms about choosing one of his tributes and in the years she watched the games on TV, it had always been obvious who that was.

 _Whitlock chose the boy,_ her mother used to say, or: _This year, the_ _mentors seem to be betting on the girl._ And she wasn't the only one. All the conversations Alice had had with friends about past games, they had always been about that topic. And once the mentors had picked one of their two tributes, there was no going back unless that person died.

On television, the mentors' decision was only recognizable by whom they sent their sponsorship gifts to. The tribute they bet on got them all, even if the other tribute from their district was still alive. It was a cold, calculated choice, but mostly it worked well.

Jasper wasn't the only mentor to make those choices. Most of the mentors in the other districts did the same, except when they calculated equal chances for both of their tributes. Then both received sponsorship gifts. That was, if they even _had_ sponsors.

Jasper avoided Alice’s eyes and looked out over the sea instead. At some point, he must have let go of her hands, which she hadn't noticed because now, they were folded tightly together in his lap.

"While you and _Edward..."_ it wasn’t any easier for Jasper to say that name “…were chased by those snakes, they discussed on television what exactly their poison does to the human body..." He shuddered.

Alice suddenly felt ice-cold at the thought of what might have been in store for her.

"... and believe me, it wasn't pleasant. They have somehow genetically manipulated it to make it trigger all sorts of hallucinations, convulsions and pain and God knows what."

For a moment Jasper was silent, then he looked at her again, his brown eyes drilling into hers. She couldn't look away.

"And when you came out of the water, Edward said he hadn’t been bitten, which was a great relief..."

Internally, she snorted at those words. Of course, because he had been the one Esme and Jasper were betting on.

"But you didn't say anything," he continued.

The way Jasper was looking at her was so intense now, it almost felt like he was angry with her. “I was waiting for you to tell Edward if they had got to you or not, but you just kept quiet. And he didn't ask. Nobody knew. They were speculating about it for hours.”

In the arena, Alice had been unaware that this would trigger such speculation in the Capitol. She had thought everyone knew she had been bitten.

"I didn't think it would be that bad," she said because she suddenly felt defensive. “At the time, it didn't hurt at all and I felt normal.”

Her voice sounded like that of a defiant child and Jasper snorted. "Yes, they said that. That the effect of the poison would only occur a few hours later. I sat awake in front of the TV screen all night waiting to see if you showed any signs of poisoning."

She could only stare at him, her eyes wide. Never in her life would she have expected Jasper Whitlock to be so worried about whether she was on the verge of a very unpleasant death.

She felt like she had to say something, even if it was just a thank you. If Jasper had decided to simply go to sleep that night, which he could have done since his preferred tribute was out of danger, she wouldn't be here right now.

Before Alice could even open her mouth, he continued to speak. "And indeed, five hours later, when I started to believe you were completely safe, you rolled up your trousers and showed the audience those horrible bite marks."

Alice swallowed. She turned away, because the way he said it was so... _reproachful_. And she was ashamed that she had made him worry about her.

Jasper sighed. "At that moment I knew I had to make up my mind. One of the other mentors who stayed awake with me because one of his tributes was dying and he didn't know whether she would make it, told me that I should just let you die. That the boy had better chances. I couldn't consult with Esme because she was asleep, but we had chosen Edward before the games started, so I knew what she was going to say”.

Seeing Alice’s face, he added, “It is necessary to make such decisions when you can only save one person."

Her heart sank with those words. They had both given up on her from the beginning. So why was she still alive?

"Everything spoke against sending you something," Jasper said, his voice very quiet all of a sudden.

It was obvious that it was not easy for him to tell her that. For a moment, his gaze lingered on the sea. It was almost noon by now and probably quite warm, but Alice’s body felt freezing cold. She had been so close to death. She hadn't been aware of _how_ close.

"But you sent it to me," she whispered back.

Her voice broke.

 _Why_? The question hung in the air without her having to say it.

Jasper swallowed. "Yes. As I said, I had to make a decision. And it wasn't that I suddenly changed my mind about your chances." He looked at her apologetically. "I still thought Edward had better chances... It wasn't _that_.”

Again, he paused.

Alice wanted him to keep talking, wanted to know what had caused him to save her life against his better judgement.

"But... I couldn't let you die," Jasper finally said. "Not like this. Not when I could prevent it. If one of the other tributes had killed you, it would have been easier to live with it, you know? Because there was nothing I could have done. But to watch you die such a horrible death when a single parachute could have prevented it... that seemed inhumane and cruel to me."

Alice stared at him.

He didn't want to let her die. Jasper Whitlock, the boy who killed eleven other tributes in his games without hesitation, couldn't watch her face a painful, hallucination-plagued death. Against any logic of mentors and playmakers, he had decided to save her life, he alone.

That was hard to swallow.

She had known she owed him her life, but until now she hadn't realized _how much._

Jasper still wasn’t looking at her as he continued, "And you... You just sat there, you knew you were going to die, and you didn't do anything, you didn't even wake Edward as to not take his sleep... you just accepted it. That… drove me insane."

Now it was his voice that almost broke.

Clearly, without knowing it, Alice had messed him up quite a bit that night.

"There was nothing I could do," she muttered. "I knew before that I was going to die in the arena, so I thought it might be the most… pleasant way."

Jasper's complexion was white as a sheet. Alice was grateful she hadn’t known what the experts had said on TV at the time, otherwise, she certainly would have panicked.

“Believe me, it wouldn’t have been. So I started pulling all the levers, talking to all sorts of sponsors, even Edward’s... and finally, I had gathered up enough money for the antidote. I can be very convincing," Jasper said with a faint grin that didn’t reach his eyes.

Alice wondered how many Capitol citizens he’d needed to flirt with to raise enough money for such an expensive gift. Because she didn't think it was cheap for a second. These mutations were created by the playmakers to kill. It was probably almost unaffordable to get out of such a situation.

"Thank you," she muttered, suddenly extremely embarrassed.

Jasper had done a lot to save her life. And that although he didn't even think she could come out of the arena alive. So from his perspective at the time, he had simply _wasted_ it to spare her a horrible death.

He smiled weakly again. "From then on, I started hoping you would get out of the whole thing alive, or at least die a less terrible death."

For some reason, that made Alice laugh.

"Thank you," she said again, this time sarcastically.

Jasper was laughing now, too. It felt strange, talking to him like that, but somehow it made her feel better.

After their laughter died down, he said, "After that night, I couldn't help hoping that you were the one to survive. I didn't believe it, not really, but I had hope. When I told Esme about sending you the antidote the next morning, I expected her to be angry because I had violated our agreement. But she just smiled and said she knew I wouldn't let you die like that.'

That confused Alice again. What had Esme meant by that? Jasper himself had admitted that he had played with the idea.

"Edward teased me with it," she said after a moment of silence. "The next day. He said he thought you were going to bet on him. He even made jokes about it... that you have a soft spot for me."

Alice blushed when she said it and immediately wished she hadn't said it out loud.

But Jasper just laughed again. “And he wasn't the only one. The whole Capitol spoke of nothing else for a day. I've even received a few interview requests to see if I would like to comment on it."

When he saw the stunned expression on Alice’s face, he laughed even more.

She’d had no idea what was going on outside the arena and in hindsight, she was happy about it. Knowing that the whole Capitol was speculating about whether there was anything going on between her and Jasper Whitlock that went beyond a mentor-tribute relationship would have _definitely_ distracted her.

"Sorry. It was certainly unpleasant," Alice apologized, still with reddened cheeks. The whole thing was definitely quite unpleasant for _her._

Jasper smiled. "There are worse things. It also worked quite well as a strategy to attract new sponsors. I should have thought about that earlier."

At that moment, some children, about the age of thirteen or fourteen, ran to the beach a few meters away from them and started to romp around like wild. Alice assumed school was over for the day, even though she had no idea what time it was. For a moment, their conversation fell silent and they just watched the kids play.

After a while, the dark-haired girl looked back from the children to Jasper, who didn't notice it. There was a certain longing in his eyes, and suddenly she realized that Jasper had already fought for his life in the games at their age. The thought made her incredibly sad. As horrible as it was that her name had been picked this year, at least her childhood was almost behind her.

Alice had been seventeen at the time of the reaping and had turned eighteen in the arena. She couldn't even remember what day that had been. Nothing had seemed less important than her eighteenth birthday back then. Especially since she had been sure at the time that the nineteenth would never come.

Following some instinct, Alice put her hand on his arm. Jasper looked up at her with surprise but didn’t seem to mind. The playing children had only just now noticed the two victors and stared at them curiously. Once more, Alice had to remind herself that all these people knew her now. Like they knew Jasper. The two of them were the tragic winners of the Hunger Games.

For the first time, she noticed the almost sleepless nights taking their toll. She yawned extensively. She had slept maybe three hours, during the past nights combined.

"You really should get some sleep," Jasper said, who never seemed to miss anything. "Do you want to go home?"

She shook her head. She had slept on the beach before, had even stayed overnight a few times, although this was, of course, absolutely forbidden. She didn't mind lying in the sand.

When she said that to Jasper, he grinned. "Great, then we'll stay a little longer. You don't mind if I go swimming for a while?"

Alice said she didn't, and he started taking off his clothes. It made her blush and she was ashamed of how nervous she felt all of a sudden. Of course, he had to take off his clothes if he wanted to go for a swim. Why was she acting like such a prude?

She made a tremendous effort not to stare at him when he was just standing in front of her in his swim shorts and didn't succeed. If it bothered him, he wasn’t showing it. She suspected he was probably used to people staring at him.

Jasper handed her his blue sweater. Instinctively, Alice took it from his hands without thinking. Then, she shot him a confused looked while she stared at the fabric in her hands. He giggled again and, this time, he was laughing _at_ her. Strangely, she didn’t mind; she knew he wasn’t trying to embarrass her.

"For your head. So, it doesn’t have to lie in the sand," Jasper explained once he'd recovered from his amusement.

Oh. That explained it. Before Alice could blush again, he had fortunately already turned around and was walking towards the sea. She watched him until he was too far out for her to see.

She leaned back, resting her head atop his sweater, a smile on her face. Today felt like the best day she’d had in a while, and for the first time since her games, she was glad to be alive.

That was her last thought before she fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know what you think?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice has a nightmare about the arena.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this one is for @beautlilies. I keep my promises (a little late, I know).
> 
> Trigger warning for violence in this one. Nothing too graphic, but just to be safe.

_~˙~_

_It's been three days since Edward and Alice_ _allied with the three other career tributes. She’s not blind, she knows they don't want her here. She also knows they will probably turn on her first. She is the weakest link of this group, without a proper weapon and without any special knowledge in combat. She’s tiny, and not particularly strong either. They think she is an easy target. And they are right. The only reason she's here is that Edward didn't want to form an alliance without her._

_They’ve been in this arena for a week now and so far, only five tributes have died. The other careers are quite frustrated about it. Alice is sure the Capitol isn't too thrilled either. Certainly, viewers are beginning to slowly lose interest. She wonders how long it will take until the Gamemakers send mutations after them. Or worse._

_Why is she so sure of that? Well, because of the fact that four of the tributes were killed in the bloodbath on the first day and the fifth victim – Tanya – died a day after Edward and Alice_ _lost her. She suspects that the snake bites also had a delayed effect on Tanya. Apparently, her mentor did not send her an antidote. Or maybe she was simply killed by another tribute. Alice_ _doesn’t know. All she knows is that that evening, Tanya’s name was projected into the sky, the only dead person that day._

_But all of this means that there have been no deaths for four days now. Alice’s sure the Gamemakers won’t let it stay like this for much longer._

_The careers are the girl from 1, Jane and both tributes from 2, Heidi and Demetri. Alice_ _doesn't trust any of them, but Edward seems to have befriended Demetri in training. Still, Alice_ _feels like every time the boys talk, they weigh up the odds which one of them is going to win. Neither of them feels threatened by the three girls in their group._

 _Alice_ _also wonders where the boy from 1 is. She has no idea what his name is, but he’s scared her from the very first moment she met him. It's a good thing he's not here. She thinks he would probably slit all of their throats while they were sleeping. Maybe even the other careers think he’s too scary._

 _They made camp a few hours ago and Alice_ _and Jane are the first to go on watch duty. Out of all the people in their group, Alice likes her the least. Jane hates her too, she suspects. The other girl has very creepy eyes. When Alice_ _told Edward about this, he just laughed and said, "You don't have to like her, or even trust her. When we realize they are about to turn on us, we leave."_

 _He didn't say what would happen after that, but they both knew it. One of them must die. Alice_ _hopes they will never be faced with that choice. She doesn’t think she can kill him. He absolutely_ could _kill her, but she feels like he doesn't want to either._

 _Jane doesn't stop staring at her. Alice_ _turns away from her and gazes at the dark forest to her right._

 _She’s_ _very hungry, the few bites of that squirrel haven't been enough. She wishes Esme or Jasper would send her something to eat, but she knows it’s not going to happen. They don't spend their sponsorship money wastefully, especially not for her._

_She hasn't received a single parachute since the snake bite. Edward got two. One with a strange-looking filter from the Capitol, because most of the water here in the arena is dirty and could be enough to poison someone over a longer period of time. Theoretically, one could say that this gift was also for Alice, because as long as she stays with him, Edward will share it with her. She doesn't want to think about how to get fresh water when they eventually go their separate ways._

_The second parachute contained a small knife, as neither Edward nor Alice_ _had the opportunity to get a weapon out of the cornucopia. They both have a small backpack with ropes and bottles and rain gear, but nothing to defend themselves with._

 _Edward got a spear from the careers when they allied with them, but they didn't have any other weapons with them, so he gave Alice_ _his knife._

 _Nevertheless, the fact that both sponsorship gifts were for Edward ultimately convinces her that their mentors did not change their minds. They're still betting on him. Alice has no_ _idea why Jasper even bothered to save her life. In the end, he’s just leaving it to Edward to kill her in the end. She doesn't think that's how Jasper and Esme originally imagined it._

_But, then again, she probably won't survive that long. She has to be realistic._

_At that moment, a branch cracks somewhere nearby. Jane and Alice_ _are sitting upright now, startled. They wake the others and the two guys search the perimeter, but apparently, it was just an animal. The fire is about to die, so Heidi and Edward are supposed to keep watch while Jane and Alice_ _go to collect firewood._

_She’s not exactly keen to go into the dark forest with Jane, armed with nothing more than a knife, while the other girl has a jagged sword. But Edward shoots her a look that says, 'Don't worry, they don't want to get rid of us yet.’ He's probably right because there are still too many other tributes out there._

_So they make their way into the forest. It's dark and scary, but Alice_ _can't afford to be afraid of the darkness now. There are worse things here in the arena. She almost expects one of the other tributes to jump out of a dark corner and attack her, but nothing happens._

_When she’s almost ready to make her way back, Jane reappears. She had set out in the other direction._

_"Are we going back?" Jane_ _asks, and Alice just nods. Silently, they walk side by side for a while, when, suddenly, they hear someone screaming. Alice_ _has no idea who it was, but definitely a girl. They are waiting for the cannon, but it remains silent._

 _Alice’s_ _about to run off - back to their camp - when suddenly Jane’s sword rushes inches past her face. She doesn't have time to fully comprehend what just happened. All she knows is that her life’s in danger. Dropping the firewood, Alice starts to run._

_Then, she gets knocked to the ground. She hears something cracking and feels a sudden, sharp pain in her chest. The air is driven out of her lungs. Jane is a lot quicker and smashes the knife out of her hand before she can even pull it out properly. Alice knows now why she’s never liked the other girl._

_Jane’s hand isn’t holding her sword for some reason, (did she lose it when she missed Alice?) but the career tribute is sitting on her stomach and presses Alice’s legs and arms to the ground. She is a lot stronger than Alice._

_She can't move, but she's still trying to get out of Jane’s grip._

_Without success._

_Jane’s a career tribute. She has been training for moments like this since she can walk. For the first time in her life, Alice_ _wishes she’d had better training. Maybe if she had trained like a career, she would stand a chance. Maybe then she wouldn’t die in a few moments._

 _Jane now holds both of Alice’s hands with her right, because she reaches for her knife with her left. Alice_ _is sure that Jane is planning to slit her throat with it without any hesitation._

_But she's not dead yet._

_And now that Jane is holding her with only one hand, she has a chance. After many years of swimming, she too has a lot of strength. Alice_ _fights against Jane’s grip with all her might, knowing her life depends on it, and manages to wriggle an arm out of the other’s hand. Her wrists burn like fire and they feel numb and her chest aches, but she can’t afford to stop. She's not safe yet._

_Then, she punches her fist into Jane’s face with all the force she can muster before the other can regain control over her. Alice’s pretty sure her hand is broken now, because it’s painfully throbbing and she groans, but obviously Jane is also in pain because she rolls off of Alice and holds her face. The career is wincing and her hands are full of blood._

_For a moment Jane is completely defenseless...._

_Alice_ _could... no,_ should _take her sword and kill her, in the short moment until the career has recovered._

_But she can't. She’s not a cold-blooded murderer._

_In her mind, she can see Jasper shouting at the screen. He would certainly vote for Alice to kill her. Instead, she turns around and runs. Back to the camp, because if she's right and the careers have planned this, then she has to warn him, she has to warn Edward, because Demetri will kill him._

_Alice sincerely hopes that Jane has acted alone, that the two of them have not planned this._

_She has little hope._

_She’s almost there, just a few hundred meters left... she tries to run even faster and her lungs are burning, her heart is racing, and her legs are aching._

_Alice thinks she’s broken a rib when Jane threw her to the ground. Also, her hand hurts so much, she feels like she's going to faint._

_At this moment, the cannon fires and she stops for a second, terrified. What if it's Edward? Why did she leave him alone with two careers?_

_The sound of the cannon, again. She tries and fails to suppress her rising panic. There is no time for that. Somewhere in her head, she thinks:_ seven gone, seventeen left. Sixteen others.

_She starts running again._

_Alice’s almost there. She can see the clearing where they set up the camp. There, Edward is still standing upright. She is so relieved that she slows her steps._

_In front of him on the ground lies the lifeless body of Demetri. So she was right, the careers planned to get rid of both of them tonight. But her concerns were unfounded, Edward can defend himself better than she can._

_He is looking in her direction but hasn’t seen her yet, she's only about thirty metres away from him. She wonders for a moment what happened to Heidi. Where is she? Was she the second cannon? Is she hiding somewhere in the forest? Maybe she ran off when Demetri was killed._

_Edward has spotted her._

_"Alice!"_

_Clearly, he was just as worried about her as she was about him. He looks relieved that she is alive._

_Alice is glad he’s alive, too, but at that moment she sees movement just a few feet behind him. She recognizes him immediately: the male tribute from 1. He’s sneaking up to Edward from behind._

_Alice’s scream is deafeningly loud, and Edward hears it, but it's too late._

_He doesn't even have time to turn around completely. Alice’s legs are working on their own, against every logic she runs towards the scene, even though she already knows she will be too late._

_Even though she knows she's going to be next._

Turn around! Get away! Run! _the voices of Esme and Jasper scream in her head, but she can't stop herself._

_The tribute from district 1 swings his axe. Alice has almost reached them. So close. So close._

_She’s_ so _close that the blood squirts all over her face. And then there's blood everywhere, and she can't see anything. She starts to panic, because she knows that Edward must be dead, and she’s going to die next._

_There it is again, the sound of the cannon._

_Desperately, Alice wipes the blood out of her eyes just in time to see Edward’s head fall to the ground with a dull sound next to her._

_The rest of his body lands on the other side._

_And she screams._

„Alice!”

_It's so loud... she can't bear it. She just wants someone to make that noise go away!_

_„_ Alice!”

_Is that Edward screaming for her? But where does the noise come from? She puts her hands on her ears, because it is unbearable. It sounds like… a scream. Who’s screaming?_

_„_ Alice, _wake up!”_

Jasper’s voice pulled her back to reality.

Someone was pressing their hand over her mouth, and she opened her eyes but couldn't see anything. Where was she? Was this the boy from District 1, trying to strangle her?

Alice was still holding her hands over her ears, but she noticed that the noise had stopped.

The hand on her mouth disappeared.

"Alice, it's all good. You're safe!" Jasper said, and she could feel his hand on her shoulder.

 _Safe_? What did he mean by that? Slowly, her sight began to clear up, but she still could not identify her surroundings. It was no longer dark; the air around her was bright and warm. She was confused.

Suddenly, another wave of panic hit her. If the boy from 1 found them here, out in the open... There was nowhere to hide. Alice took her hands off her ears and clutched Jasper’s hands instead.

"Jasper, the arena... the boy from 1... He's going to kill me, kill us!" she yelled in panic, but he shook his head.

He pulled his hands out of her grip, reaching for her shoulders to hold her. Only then did she realize she was lying in the sand and had curled up in a ball like a little child.

"No one is going to kill you, Alice. The boy from 1... he drowned; don't you remember?"

Drowned? Alice stared at him without understanding his meaning. _He was just here!_

"Jasper, you don't understand..." she began.

She sat up abruptly, realizing they had to get away from here.

Jasper’s grip on her shoulders strengthened. "Look around, Alice! We're not in the arena. We are here, back in 4. You survived the games. You're back home."

The dark-haired girl thought his words made no sense.

But then again, the environment made no sense. Because it wasn't dark here, as it had been in the forest in the games. The sun was shining and it was warm. And then Alice heard it: the sound of the sea. She looked around frantically, but the boy from 1 was nowhere in sight, so she turned eyes back to glance at Jasper.

Finally, the memory came back.

"You were just dreaming, Alice. You're safe here," Jasper repeated.

He was only wearing his swimming trunks and was soaked from head to toe. Alice could remember that he’d wanted to go for a swim before she laid down to sleep. It was just another nightmare.

The tension subsided.

Only it wasn't just a nightmare. It was a memory. Alice began to tremble and burst into tears.

Edward was dead. He would never come back.

Jasper pulled her into his arms and muttered soothing words into her sweaty hair. It took a few more minutes until she had accepted that she was no longer in the arena.

Alice said things like, "Jasper, what if 1 survived the flood? What if he will come to kill me?" or "What if the people here in the District hate me? I should have saved Edward; I should have warned him earlier! His family certainly wants revenge!", even though she knew somewhere in her head that her fears were illogical.

Jasper probably thought she was insane.

Nevertheless, he did not let go of her, and answered every single one of her questions with a rational reply. "He's dead, believe me, I've seen it on TV," and "Nobody here hates you and Edward’s family knows there was nothing you could have done. Besides, I would never allow anyone to hurt you."

And at that moment Alice believed him _._

Jasper held her in his arms and didn’t let go until the last doubt was removed that she was really at home and safe. When she broke away, completely distraught and with headaches from all the crying, she could see a group of people standing twenty feet away from them. They were shamelessly staring at her.

"Anyone who didn't already think I was mad will definitely think so now," Alice muttered, turning her gaze away.

Jasper took a quick look at the crowd and then said with a shrug: "Who cares what they think. You're not mad, Alice, you've just been through a lot. Believe me, my nightmares were just as bad at first, if not worse."

"Really?" she wanted to know, because she couldn't imagine it. He was so confident on the outside, so strong.

Jasper just nodded.

"So, did they ever go away?"

He almost looked… _sad_ for a moment _,_ then he shifted, and she couldn't read his expression anymore.

"They have changed," he said simply.

It was obvious that was all he would say about it, so she didn't ask any more questions.

"Maybe we should go home. You have to eat something anyway," Jasper said, and she looked at him with a mixture of surprise and disappointment.

Did he want to get rid of her? Or did he mean that they should get something to eat together?

He didn't notice her confusion, got up and pulled her to her feet. It wasn't until now that Alice realized she was in fact quite hungry. Jasper cast a reproachful glance at the people who were still staring at them from a distance. Some of them actually looked guilty for a moment.

Alice watched him pick up his sweater - which was wet now, from her tears - and he put it on again.

She wondered how much his games still tormented him. She tried to remember everything Jasper had told her about himself. It wasn't much. She knew that he also had nightmares, but that they had changed over the years since his games. Alice wondered what they were about now, but she couldn’t ask him.

She also knew that he thought she could be happy again, that it would get better. However, he did not seem to think the same thing was possible for him. Sometimes, his face was overshadowed by a deep sadness while he was talking to her. He tried to downplay it or laugh it off sometimes, but she still noticed it. And earlier, when they were watching the children play, he had looked almost... _envious_.

It made sense. Unlike most of the tributes from their district, he hadn't volunteered to be in the games. He probably wouldn’t have minded having a few more years of childhood. But still, he had trained in the career academies from an early age, so he might have volunteered in one of the following years when he was a little older. Usually, the careers volunteered at the ages of seventeen or eighteen to participate in the games.

At the age of six, everyone in their district had to take a test to see if they were suitable to be a career. Alice was excluded quickly at the time because she was considered unsuitable, just like her friend Jessica. They had not been unhappy. Alice simply wasn't a born killer and it was obvious to anyone. On the day of her reaping, Jasper had probably not been the only person who had come to terms with her impending death.

The look he had given her...

But _no_ , she had forgiven him for his disappointment, she didn’t want to think about this again. It could not be easy to watch children die year after year and be completely helpless about it. It struck her that this might be her fate from now on too.

Jasper had finished packing his things and they headed back toward the Victor’s Village. After they had walked next to each other in silence for a few minutes, Alice took his hand without asking, without even thinking about it. She could see at the periphery of her vision that he was looking at her, but she pretended she didn’t notice. When he showed no intentions to pull his hand away, she knew it was fine.

Once more, Alice was trying to figure him out. It was hard to see through him because he didn’t talk about himself much. The fact that he didn’t was so unlike anything she’d heard about him from other people. Now, it was impossible for her to believe that some people thought he was arrogant.

Perhaps his relationship with Esme meant so much to him because he could talk to _her_ about everything. After all, she was the oldest surviving winner and had struggled with the aftermath of her games for most of her life. Alice couldn't say why, but somehow she was sure Esme knew him better than anyone.

Then there was the matter of the reputation that preceded Jasper, but which, in her opinion, he did not deserve at all. Well, maybe he did have one or two mistresses in the Capitol. Or perhaps it was all just an invention of the press. But now that she knew him a little better, Alice was convinced he was not an arrogant womanizer who courted everyone, quite the contrary. But what did she know? After all, it had been little over a month since her reaping. Was that really enough time to get to know someone?

Jasper seemed to be almost insecure when it came to his own life and didn't bring it up, even with her, who would probably understand him better than most people. He didn't flirt with her either, he was just _nice_ to her and obviously cared about her enough to make sure she was all right.

The two victors reached the main road of their district, which led from the coast to the inner boroughs. 4 wasn’t the largest district of Panem, not even close, but on the two main streets, countless people gathered every day.

Alice guessed it had to be about five o'clock because around that time most people were on the road. She saw some familiar faces, people from school, from the shipyard where her mother had worked, as well as some people she had met in passing on the beach or in town. Not friends, but also not strangers. To be honest, she wasn’t sure if she still had any friends.

Jasper was greeted by a few people as they walked down the street but didn't stop to talk to any of them. He didn't let go of Alice’s hand either. She ignored the curious glances of the people they passed. _Let them think what they want._ Everyone here thought she was mad anyway. What could be worse than that?

" _Winning means isolation_. _People don't treat you the way they used to."_ That's what Esme had said to Jasper the night after Alice was pulled out of the arena. Esme hadn’t meant for her to hear it. At the time, she hadn’t understood what the elderly woman meant. Today, she knew.

"Do you have anything to eat at home?" Jasper asked at that moment and she shook her head after briefly thinking about it.

There had been food in her fridge when she moved in, but she had eaten most of it during the last week. She hadn't dared go grocery shopping.

"Fine, let’s go to my place then," Jasper said, and Alice felt herself blush.

It seemed so inconsequential to her that she was nervous when she spent time with him. They were both winners, had survived the arena, had seen people die. How could she see him, or anyone else for that matter, in _this way_ after all that? When the waves had crashed over her in the arena, Alice had been sure she would never feel anything ever again.

Only she hadn’t died.

She still wasn't sure if she could ever trust a person again. And if she managed it somehow, it probably wouldn’t be Jasper. This hand she was holding right now had _killed_ people. Alice tried not to think about it.

They had reached the road to the Victor’s Village by now, where Jasper had caught up with her yesterday. It was only then that she realized she was likely one of the first people he had spoken to after he got back.

For some reason, the thought made her long to hear his voice.

"Was it nice? To be back in the sea, to... _swim_?"

Jasper looked surprised, obviously torn out of his thoughts, but quite pleased that she was inquiring about him.

"It was... incredible," he said with a crooked smile. "I despise the Capitol, all these horrible, ugly buildings and streets and people... it's much nicer here."

Alice hadn’t expected that answer, but he didn’t give her time to think about this piece of information.

"I couldn't go swimming after my games, you know. For a while," he continued, and now she was really surprised.

"Really?"

Jasper nodded. "Everything reminded me of the games... every person, every noise... the games were everywhere. And then there was the fact that I was supposed to live alone in this house by myself at the age of fourteen... it was a terrible time for me.'

Now it was up to Alice to nod. This time, it was her who understood him _._ But only to a certain extent. For the first time ever, she realized how damn _young_ he had been when he was reaped for the games. "That must have been so hard."

His hand twitched a little. "It was tough, but..." he hesitated "... the first two years were fine. Except for the nightmares and being alone. Of course you don't forget the games, but at least I thought I had made it through the worst."

Thought? Alice didn't understand what he meant but didn't want to ask because she was afraid he would stop talking. For some time he remained silent anyway, until they arrived at the Victor’s Village.

Just when she was starting to think that this was all he would reveal about himself, Jasper continued, "You don't have to worry, Alice. I think the Capitol will leave you alone... maybe, if you're lucky, you don't even have to be a mentor for the games."

She had no idea what he was talking about. Leave her alone? That was the deal, wasn't it? You won the games and didn’t have to worry about things like money, work, and the Hunger Games ever again. If her name hadn't been drawn this year, she would have only had to fear the Games for one more year: As soon as a teenager reached the age of nineteen, they were freed from the obligation to have their name in the glass ball.

But it was pointless to think about it, because her name _had_ _been_ drawn.

“ _Alice Brandon_.”

Once again, the scene played out in front of her inner eye. Her mother's shocked face when Alice’s eyes found her in the crowd... no, she couldn't think about her mother. It was too painful.

"Alice?" Jasper’s voice brought her back to reality and she realized she had been staring into the void. These little blackouts scared her.

He looked worried, but didn't ask if she was all right. It was a pointless question anyway. They both knew she wasn't fine, and that that probably wouldn't change during the next few weeks.

Instead, Jasper just stood there and looked at her. This time, Alice didn't get nervous. It felt reassuring in a way. He had talked about being alone and, to be honest, that had been one of her greatest fears. Alone, as she had been in the arena after Edward died. Forced to live through this one moment over and over again in her head, with no one to distract her. If people were right and she was indeed mad or slowly losing it... then it was definitely that time in the arena that had made her that way.

But as they stood there, still holding hands and simply looking at each other, Alice didn’t believe she was alone anymore. It was as if they had made a silent promise, a pact, formed an alliance.

 _I'm here for you._ _If you want to talk, come to me. I will understand you._

Then the moment was over, and Jasper pulled his hand out of hers softly. "Now, let's make you something to eat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do we think?

**Author's Note:**

> sooo, what do we think? Do you like this idea? Do you hate it? Let me know!


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